Surviving without you
by AmyWriter
Summary: She would never forget Brian, her true love, the love of her life. Bensidy. One-shot


_**How do I get through one night without you  
If I had to live without you  
What kind of life would that be**_

Olivia Benson entered her apartment that she once shared with her husband and 5 years-old son.

Now there was just her son, Ethan.

Two days ago, she lost her rock, the only person who gave her strength, who made her feel safe. She lost her husband. Brian Cassidy was involved in a car accident and didn't make it.

Brian is dead.

Those were the three words that she kept repeating. She couldn't believe it, she just couldn't. But she knew she had to stay strong for her little boy who just lost his father, his model. Everybody around her told her to stay strong for Ethan because he needed his mother with him.

Olivia closed the door and led her son in his bedroom after he fell asleep during the car ride. She tucked him in his bed and kissed his cheek, whispering soothing words before leaving the bedroom and heading to her own. When she arrived, the efforts she made to stay that strong person everyone wanted her to be disappeared, she couldn't take it anymore, she closed her door quietly and collapsed on the floor, placing her hands in her head. She cried. She cried hard.

She cried for her husband, she cried for his last words. She cried for all the memories. She remembered their marriage, how happy she was to finally marry the man of her dreams.

_"When I laid my eyes on you for the first time, I thought 'damn that girl is hot'" Brian chuckled and everybody laughed. "But I also knew that you were the woman I'd be happy to grow old with, to be my wife, the mother of my children and today, I could never imagine my life without you. You are the most important person in my life, Olivia. I love you more than everything, I can't even explain how much you mean to me, baby. I promise to take care of you and to love you every moment of the life." he said truthfully, tears in his eyes. "You are mine forever" he half-joked, earning a beautiful smile from Olivia who now had tears flowing down her cheeks. _

And now, he was dead, he left her. She didn't know if she could survive this but, she knew she had to because she now has a beautiful son.

Their son.

_**Oh and I, I need you in my arms  
Need you to hold**_

_**You're my world, my heart, my soul  
If you ever leave  
Baby, you would take away everything good in my life**_

The little boy didn't really understand that Brian wasn't here anymore and to be honest, Olivia didn't want him to realize it, she didn't want him to understand just yet.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard her bedroom door open and saw Ethan standing there, rubbing his eyes.

"Mama, can I sleep with you please?" the little boy asked timidly.

Olivia stood up and took his little hand into hers, leading him to lay with her. Ethan cuddled with her, Olivia held him tight and saw as his little eyes closed. She let her tears fall once again and kissed his head "We'll get through this, baby. For daddy" Olivia remembered when she told Brian about her pregnancy.

_Positive._

_Olivia was pregnant._

_How was she gonna tell Brian about this pregnancy, she wondered. They never really talked about having kids. She then heard the door open and Brian coming in. "Hey, baby" He said. He approached her and kissed her lips lightly. He noticed the change on her face "everything okay?" he asked gently, stroking her cheek with his thumb. _

_Olivia nodded and placed her head on his chest "I'm pregnant, I just found out." Brian pulled back and looked at her, clearly in disbelief. He then pulled her back to him and hugged her tight._

_"I love you, Olivia" he whispered and nuzzled her neck. "I love you so muh. I'm so happy baby" he then added._

_"Really?" Olivia asked, pulling away to look into his eyes. _

_"Yeah. We're having a baby Olivia, that's the most amazing thing ever." he kissed her lips "Our own amazing baby." he then whispered._

_._

_"You're doing amazing, Olivia. Our son will almost be there. I know you are tired but think about our little gift, he'll be there in a few minutes, I love you, you can do this." Brian encouraged his wife._

_Olivia pushed as hard as she could and then she heard it. The sound she wanted to hear._

_Their baby's first cries. _

_Olivia's own tears were now making their way down her cheeks as she grabbed Brian's hand and squeezed it tight. Brian did the same and kissed her forehead._

_"I'm so proud of you, Liv. Look at our little miracle." Brian said as the nurse placed the baby boy onto Olivia's chest. _

Olivia would never forget those memories, she would never forget Brian.

_**Without you there'd be no sun in my sky  
There would be no love in my life  
There'd be no world left for me  
And I, baby I don't know what I would do  
I'd be lost if I lost you  
If you ever leave  
Baby, you would take away everything real in my life**_

"I never thought I'd have to do this, this is not fair. You were supposed to live and to stay with me and Ethan, you promised to take care of me and to love me every moment of the life, Brian. Now you are gone and- and I miss you more than everything. I'm sorry everything happened like that. I'm sorry for everything that's happened that day. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I loved you, more times. I'm sorry for everything, Brian. But one thing I don't regret is marrying you and having a beautiful son with you. Rest in peace, angel." Olivia broke down while she spoke during the funeral. She excused herself and went back to sit next to her son, hugging him tight.

_**And tell me now  
How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive  
How do I, how do I  
Oh, how do I live**_

She remembered that day, she was having flashback every days, every nights.

_She saw it. She felt it. The car hit theirs and landed in a tree. Fortunately, Olivia wasn't really hurt, just a ugly cut on her face but she was gonna make it.. she couldn't say the same thing for her husband. His airbag wasn't activate, Brian hit the windshield and was now unconscious._

_"Brian, Brian baby wake up" she looked around her, suddenly glad Ethan wasn't with them. She started panicking when Brian didn't wake and even more when she saw blood running down his face. "Help! Somebody help us!" she screamed as tears started running down her face._

_"Brian, wake up, please. She unbuckled her seat belt and placed her hands behind his neck. She gently shook his arm "Brian? Wake up. Please, wake up" She saw him briefly open his eyes, looking straight at her._

_"Tell Ethan daddy loves him more than anything and that he'll protect him forever." he smiled faintly and grabbed her head that was on his cheek. "I love you baby, more than my own life. I'm glad you're okay...I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise when I told you I was gonna protect you and love you forever." he said and closed his eyes before opening them again._

_"Don't talk like you're gonna die okay? You are gonna live and you are gonna be okay. You are the greatest husband I could ever ask for, I love you Brian. Don't leave me, I'm begging you, don't leave me..." she pressed her forehead against his chest and cried harder._

_"I will always protect you, Olivia, but I need to go now." he whispered, knowing that he was gonna die._

_"No, no, no. Brian, please! Think about our handsome son, what is he gonna do without you?"_

_Brian smiled and coughed,it was becoming hard for him to breathe "He has the best mother in the world, he'll be just fine. I love you so much, Olivia. Kiss me" he asked quietly. Olivia wiped her tears away and deposed a chaste kiss on his lips,"Please, stay with me" she murmured against his lips. Brian let a single tear rolling down his face before responding. "Never forget me. I love you..." with that, he let go of Olivia's hand, let out his last breath..._

_"Brian, BRIAN. Where is the damn bus!?" Olivia called at the people who were surrounding the car._

_Brian Cassidy was dead._

Olivia burst into tears and collapsed on the floor as they transported Brian's coffin. Fin and Nick were the first to help Olivia, then Cragen and Munch joined them.

"Come on, Liv. Ethan needs you to be strong" Cragen remarked kindly. Nick and Fin both helped her up before she buried her face into Fin's neck and cried. She hated herself for showing her weakness but right now she didn't care. Fin held her tight and whispered soothing words to her.

_**If you ever leave  
Baby, you would take away everything  
Need you with me  
Baby, 'cause you know that you're everything good in my life  
And tell me now  
How do I live without you**_

The funeral was the hardest part of the day, Olivia could barely stay up, Cragen knew that and held her close to him as she held Ethan. The priest started talking and Olivia couldn't stop the tears that were falling down her cheeks. She took Ethan into her arms as the little boy rested his head onto Olivia's shoulder. The little guy didn't really understand what was going on, Olivia knew that she shouldn't have brought him there but Brian was -is- his father so she kinda felt like she had to.

.

Olivia, and the rest of the people who were there with her, watched as her husband was being buried. It was the last time that she ever saw him. She remembered everything that ever happened between them, she remembered that time when they told they loved each other for the first time.

_Brian and Olivia were living together for 6 months now and they were happy together, nothing else mattered for them. As Olivia and Brian were sitting on the couch, watching a film, Olivia was starting to fall asleep on Brian's chest, he began playing with her hair and kissed her head. He felt Olivia wrapping her arms around his waist and looked up at him, resting her chin on his torso. He smiled down at her "hi," he whispered "already tired?" he asked gently, half-joking._

_Olivia grinned and sat up, she then sat on Brian's lap and kissed his lips sweetly. "When I'm with you, I always feel good and relaxed and yes I kinda feel tired now" she smirked and rested her head onto Brian's shoulder as he pressed his lips into her neck, he then whispered something both have never said before. "I love you," he whispered against the skin of her neck, sending chills through her spine. Olivia sighed contently against Brian and smiled to herself. "I love you so much." he repeated. _

_Olivia pulled back and gazed into his hazel eyes. "I love you too, Bri. Very much" she leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips._

Nick drove Olivia and Ethan back to their apartment, knowing she wouldn't be able to drive.

_**I want to know  
How do I breathe without you  
If you ever go  
How do I ever, ever survive**_

Olivia let Ethan sleep with her, in what was once Brian and Olivia's bed, she knew he needed to be close with his mother and she, too, needed to stay with her son to stay strong, Ethan was now the only thing important in her life today. She would never forget Brian, she would never ever forget their 8 years relationship and their 5 years marriage. She would never forget his smile, his laugh, his sweet, loving words, she would never forget how caring, protective, stubborn and jealous he was but he was also so in love with Olivia and everybody knew it. She didn't know how but she knows that one day, she will get better, she will move on with her life but she would never forget her one true love...

_**How do I, how do I  
Oh, how do I live  
How do I live  
Without you baby**_

**So, hi! This is a one-shot I've decided to write. I read a ficiton a few days ago and got that idea, so thank you for inspiring me (don't remember the name of that writer.). Tell me what you think please, :).**

**Read & Review. Thank you. Love, Amy.**

**Song: LeAnn Rimes – How do I live?**


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